Need advice.... should I tell his gf ?

[moonlove]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask for advice.. but here goes. do bear w me for my long post, or just take it as I'm ranting. I need to get all these out.

Just like my other post (the story), I recently got dumped. Not so recently maybe. Can't believe it's been almost 2 months. On the surface I'm back to normal, gg out for coffee w bff, gg on daily life etc. but in actual fact I'm still struggling.

Should I tell his gf?

To make the story short. I got involved with this guy in 2015. OK. actually I'd knew him and was with him for a short while in 2004 when I'm only 15. he was my first love. but that relationship turned out really sour and bad and screwed up my whole life. but last year, suddenly 鬼遮眼, because of a silly comment from my BFF, I went to look for him.

and just as people would say it. if something is too good to be true, its not true. I'm too stupid to understand that statement.

I found Val. within a day. I couldn't believe my luck. like wtf we hadn't contact in over 12 years and I could find him so easily?! I literally thought I strike lottery on e 2nd day of CNY. I have just lost a beloved family member the year before and was still in the midst of grieving. Reconnecting w someone I've never really put down for the past decade proved a good source of comfort.

We met up.

And I made the same mistake again. To get into a sexual relationship with him. I mean. I shouldn't have done it when I'm 15. I was made to believe if I love him I'd do what he wants at that age. over the years of cuz I'd grew to know it's wrong but the stubbornness in me remains. and now at 27, I think it's perfectly alright, finally.

He told me he's single. Yeah. I always trust that because Val has a really anti social kinda personality. and I didn't think he could be a seasoned liar. or player. I mean I've seen more of the world than him! how can I be that stupid? But to be honest at that point in time I wasn't looking for a committed relationship either. I was still grieving over the death. and I just wanted companion. a shelter. and I'd been single for 5 years and is totally enjoying my singlehood. So I didn't not comment on the status of our relationship.

By using the term sexual relationship.. it's probably abit confusing. We didn't have sex. Right from the start he'd claimed he didn't enjoy sex. he like hand jobs. blowjobs. I didn't really get my part of sexual satisfaction from him either. the only time he attempted to finger me I ended up bleeding cause he was too rough. and I was fine w not getting anything in return cause I was comfortable with the way our relationship is. I thought I am healing even though I wasn't happy.

It's perfectly normal to be in a physical relationship. I didn't mind us not having any status so long we made things clear. I'm someone that can compartmentalize love and sex, he provides me with the mental comfort I needed and I'd provide him the blowjobs. simple as that.

but things went haywire after awhile. more than once he'd acknowledge and assured me that I'm his girlfriend. and he'd say things like he's not seeing someone else and all. i did not ask for it. and when it happened, I'm human. I got emotionally involved.

afterall this is a guy that have first taught me love when I'm a teenager. and my first sexual experiences. the guy I've never really put behind. and when he gave me the green light and the idea that he is committed, I became committed too. I know.

I must be an idiot.

things went on peacefully. though my friends weren't happy with the way our relationship is.

he'd pick me up.
we'd go to his place, give him his blowjob.
I'd spend money cab home myself cause I'm worried about him driving when tired.
he'd messages me when he wants to, asked for suggestive photos etc, I'd comply.

and seriously I have no complaints. I mean. it's better than getting me to be in a very committed relationship w my bf wanting to meet me everyday. I'd feel so stressed up and burdened. I'm the kind of girl that can't handle that. and Val was right what I think is good. so even tho friends r complaining I tell them I'm good. I'm really good that way.

[moonlove]

but in November everything changed. I hadn't messaged him in a few days (I don't have the habit of texting everyday except texting my bestie). and suddenly I just received a msg from him telling me I'm irritating and to stop texting him.

seriously.

I'm not sure if anyone here understands what it meant by 晴天霹雳. but that was exactly how it felt that day.

barely few days ago this crazy bastard is talking to me nicely and initiating texts with me and asking for photos and all and suddenly I get that shit? barely few days back i was starting to feel maybe if I worked a little harder we could finally move forward and maybe move on from the blowjobs and have some good intimacy. and suddenly thunder strikes.

that night I gone mad. I cut myself so bad that when I got onto a taxi the uncle sent me to the hospital instead of my home. I was as broken as possible. I fucking bombed his phone at least 100 times and he didn't pick up. I'm fine with a breakup.

but I needed proper closure. if he's done with playing I'm fine. if he decided he's impotent and can't get an erection anymore I'm also fine. but I needed a closure. not an ending that brings me tons of self blame and guilt. I spent the following days thinking what did I do wrong.

was my blowjob not good enough? but he said I'm the only one that could make him cum w a blowjob.
was I too clingy? but I don't even message him often or daily or ask for assurance and shit.
My conclusion was.

I am too lousy.
as a woman. I must have failed as a woman. he didn't fuck me when I'm 16 neither when I'm 28. must be because I'm too lousy.

I continued bombarding him for a few days hoping to get a closure.
I lost my job cause I spent the days in denial, wallowing in self pity and couldn't handle some customers. furthermore it was impossible to keep bandaging my hands and people were uncomfortable with my scars.

I had countless suicidal thoughts. Maybe I shod go to his place and wait for his stupid mazda to come out and bang on his car and die. Maybe I shod stalk him and give him a tight slap.

and few days later suddenly he had a Facebook account. (he was never a social person be it in 2004 or 2016. he didn't have Facebook). and the picture is of him and another girl. and it's a super complete profile with all of his details. from which secondary school, ex companies right till current company. all these happened when he knew I'm going crazy and threatening to shame him online. I know in a way it feels abit fishy. but I don't know how to trust that he's innocent.

my emotions turned from anger to devastation. from screwing and fucking him up in long messages to pleading him to give me a closure. but nope. till now I've not gotten any closure. he decided not to block me, not to reply me, not to pick up calls. he continued to torture my ego, letting me trust that I am lousy as a woman.

and my struggle is whether to tell his gf what happened? I have her Facebook. and to be honest part of me wants him to suffer. it's totally normal for people to have a sexual relationship. but i was never clingy. right from the start I've told him I wanted things to be clear. he was the one whom wasn't clear and dragged me in.

I agreed with boss on his quote. whores are for fucking, not loving.

I'm not a whore. I've never fucked for money and definitely will not. but in this case Val have successfully made me feel worst den a whore. a whore gets paid for their service. while I have to fucking cab home myself and didn't even get touched or caressed. Val have successfully killed all the feminity I have left in me.

My friends are commenting in this 2 months I've changed so much.

I've cut my hair so short, rather than my all the years long hair. I've changed my dressing becsuse every dress would remind me of his girlfriend. I've stopping mingling around with people. and so many other changes. even my PMS stopped. I've literally stopped being a female.

in a way perhaps telling his gf the truth about him wouldn't change anything.

but I don't see why I should be the only one suffering too.

[bonkhq69]

i am curious, how can you like reveal other people details in this forum?

[maxsee]

First you are still holding on to your past....changing ur image everything clearly shows that you are not able to let go of the past.....

Your so called "ex" boyfriend clearly treated you like a piece of meat....basically use u whenever he got the sexual urge...

He is just as much at fault as you who allow him to make use of you. You have the choice to say no to such a toxic relationship instead u carry on with it.

You should just let him go and move on with ur life. Complaining to his girlfriend might or might not satisfied ur thirst for vengenance. You are still going to feel a sense of emptiness, dirtiness after u get ur revenge. It is better to let live and live.

Move on with your life, it will takes time. But eventually all wounds will be heal by time.

[moonlove]

Originally Posted by bonkhq69

i am curious, how can you like reveal other people details in this forum?

I don't see why I can't when I've done all I could to try force him out of his turtle shell to give me a closure.

Originally Posted by maxsee

First you are still holding on to your past....changing ur image everything clearly shows that you are not able to let go of the past.....

Your so called "ex" boyfriend clearly treated you like a piece of meat....basically use u whenever he got the sexual urge...

He is just as much at fault as you who allow him to make use of you. You have the choice to say no to such a toxic relationship instead u carry on with it.

You should just let him go and move on with ur life. Complaining to his girlfriend might or might not satisfied ur thirst for vengenance. You are still going to feel a sense of emptiness, dirtiness after u get ur revenge. It is better to let live and live.

Move on with your life, it will takes time. But eventually all wounds will be heal by time.

I know I'm at fault and I'm the one whom gave my power away. to be honest i don't think telling his gf would change anything for me either. it's just the sense of injustice. and I know if I don't do something to totally cut this off, one day if he comes back I'd still take him back. and he probably will still come back given his character and what I know of him.

but yeah I probably shouldn't do anything. just suck thumb and move on. thanks.

[happywoody]

TS, you're seething wif anger and hate.

Chill for the moment and distract yourself in the meanwhile - go shopping, clubbing or take a trip to Bangkok or Bali with your bestie.

In time, you can find another partner more deserving of your giving ways and can reciprocate physically or emotionally.

Or if you can handle it, have a no strings attached fling.

good luck

[moonlove]

Originally Posted by happywoody

TS, you're seething wif anger and hate.

Chill for the moment and distract yourself in the meanwhile - go shopping, clubbing or take a trip to Bangkok or Bali with your bestie.

In time, you can find another partner more deserving of your giving ways and can reciprocate physically or emotionally.

Or if you can handle it, have a no strings attached fling.

good luck

technically have been using retail therapy all these while go keep myself sane... 😂 until there's nothing more to buy.

but I guess emotions will always come back. especially seeing his gf upload new photos on fb. he wasted so much of my fucking time. and the anger will come back.

as for flings.
I'm rejecting everything sexual for now.

[randyrockhard]

Grieve, cry, do what you need to do at this point in time....after that, you have the choice to either stop your crying or continue your own self-inflicted sufferings.

Try visiting a place where you think you might find happy-looking people. Give them a good look and then take a good look at your scars. Yours are on the outside. Though you may see people smiling, you may never know what great sadness/tragedy they kept inside.

My point is that, you are not the only one with problems in this world. Yet people decided to live life to the fullest.

[tofuman1977]

Hi TS,

I sense much pain/anger/need for closure in you.

I think I have been thru this stage before, though much less in terms of intensity as compared to you.

I think you are feeling a loss in trust that you have/had for him, feeling stupid that you trusted him again and most importantly, realizing that you have been taken for ride worse than a whore. I can feel you hate yourself now..the cutting and changing of yourself..

But I will like you to take solace in the fact that you should seek some sort of emotional refugee somewhere. Family? Religion? Friends? These worked out for me very well.

Most importantly, once you realise thathow short our time on earth is, you will appreciate your time and future more.

He might have hurt you but please take it that you owed him a debt in your past life and now you are to repay him. Your debt is paid so now you move forward, look ahead.

Hope you can find peace soon.

[thomas]

Shit happens but don't worry. Time will heal. Haha
Trust me

[moonlove]

Originally Posted by randyrockhard

Grieve, cry, do what you need to do at this point in time....after that, you have the choice to either stop your crying or continue your own self-inflicted sufferings.

My point is that, you are not the only one with problems in this world. Yet people decided to live life to the fullest.

thanks. the only problem is I can no longer cry. the sadness have way transformed itself into anger and resentment. I wish I could cry out loud too.

Originally Posted by tofuman1977

Hi TS,

I sense much pain/anger/need for closure in you.

I think I have been thru this stage before, though much less in terms of intensity as compared to you.

I think you are feeling a loss in trust that you have/had for him, feeling stupid that you trusted him again and most importantly, realizing that you have been taken for ride worse than a whore. I can feel you hate yourself now..the cutting and changing of yourself..

But I will like you to take solace in the fact that you should seek some sort of emotional refugee somewhere. Family? Religion? Friends? These worked out for me very well.

Most importantly, once you realise thathow short our time on earth is, you will appreciate your time and future more.

He might have hurt you but please take it that you owed him a debt in your past life and now you are to repay him. Your debt is paid so now you move forward, look ahead.

Hope you can find peace soon.

yup I'm just going to take it as I'm clearing 前世债. have to say ur post made me feel alot lighter. thanks.

I guess I just wanted a closure. I am desperate for one. I am someone that can't move on without a proper closure. and I just needed to know if I should tell her but I guess I have the answer already.

they can suffer and burn in hell together for all I care.

Originally Posted by thomas

Shit happens but don't worry. Time will heal. Haha
Trust me

this is worst than Lao sai.

[nutman38]

TS, seriously, time will heal everything.
I know you need a closure.
But not everything has an answer.
If this is not meant to be, it is not meant to be.
Just let it go and you will feel free!

Please cherish yourself and do not do anything stupid that you will regret.
You only live once!

[Cronin]

You are a victim, and someone has used and abused you. It will take time to move on. My compassion to you. Things will get better. Don't waste a single second more on people who use you only as means. Take care op, and be well.

[HelenaWest]

You don't know the relationship he and his girlfriend have. You can let him know that what he is doing is unethical. You can ask him what his boundaries with his girlfriend are. However, you don't know her, you have no relationship with her, and your intention is to cause harm.

What you can do is remove yourself from the situation and this toxic person and build yourself into something strong...

A quote I love is "The biggest lie every woman tells their self is that they need a man."

You're complete. You are whole

-Helena

[randyrockhard]

Originally Posted by HelenaWest

A quote I love is "The biggest lie every woman tells their self is that they need a man."

You're complete. You are whole

-Helena

Women say they don't need men, until it's time to take out the rubbish, move the furniture, fix the leaking roof, replace the flat tyre ...