Love Feeling

[curiouswife]

wondering if its possible for hubby to get back lost feeling after married for 10 years? he lost feeling slowly after quarrelling over any issues every month..

[arsenal_84]

you guys have to start wooing back one another, have a HTH talk with him first.
in this case perhaps you would have to initiate courting him first like date him out and see whether he is still appreciative of you.

if all else fails, the last move is to seek a marriage councilor.

[hickeybites]

Dear sis...
Yes - can be done but it may take time. Don't expect the loving feeling to come back overnight. Gambatte!

my own personal 2c & experience...(not saying this is the absolute truth - just sharing)
- Easier to start with oneself & make changes on yourself, rather than expect the other person to change. Self-reflect: have I become naggier, more short-tempered, more curt etc etc over the years. Can start with making changes at own attitude & behaviour. Above all - be sincere. Our hubs can tell if we're just acting

- Don't sweat the small stuff & appreciate the man in your hubby. Our hubbies are not us and they shouldn't be. Thank him for the stuff that he's done for you/family & try not to criticize/nag when he seems to fall short on certain stuff. No one's perfect
E.g. In the past, I used to nag a bit when hubby speeds up rapidly in car & brakes super suddenly. Now if he jams brake or suddenly swerves to avoid sickening drivers, I'll take a deep breath, think positive & stroke his thigh/arm & praise him for his fast reaction/response & actually be thankful he's the one driving & not me!

- Really set time aside for him & put him above kids, house, career, parents, in-laws etc
This was quite tough for me as I liked to think I could balance everything & all can become my 1st priority. I'm not saying that our hubbies should be our one & only priority & we just become simpering mindless women with air between our ears. However it's important to our men that we value them - after all we chose each other as mates right?

- Remind him of the girl/lady that he used to date & chase
Very hard & this took me some time... so tough when we are swamped with all the chores, kids etc etc. But important to just take some time each day to "beautify" ourselves. Importantly it's not just surface looks but our personality, mannerisms etc. Again i'm not saying we revert to being SYTs or act blur blur/ goondu/ pretend to be virgins etc (hahah.. this cracked me up). Instead it's more about how I used to be so excited when I could meet up with him, how I would praise him, talk gently to him etc.
Familiarity breeds contempt unfortunately... relearning to see our close ones in new light does take effort but it's worth it.

Dates & special occasions do count but I also believe it's about the little thoughts & actions everyday that can make an impact.
I dunno the full situation behind your marriage but it's great that you are wondering if the loving feeling can be reclaimed. That at least is the first step

All the best!

[Uncertain]

That is absolutely right.... Everyone has their strength and weakness, the day you forgot about the strength and focus on ones weakness, then the relationship is heading to fail. Similarly for any other relationship... Embrace and appreciate are the keys to a healthy relationship, whether it's spouse, kids, in laws, friends, etc.

Love feeling can be recovered but not only time and effort. The situation that are created to arrive to this point and how to unravel is also important. It also depend on the characters of both party that over the years has developed. But to start from yourself is most important. Do things that creates relationship value, not just trying to cover volume or scope. What you always been doing may need changes as those proved to be not as effective, else the relationship would not turn downwards.




QUOTE=hickeybites;5890860]Dear sis...
Yes - can be done but it may take time. Don't expect the loving feeling to come back overnight. Gambatte!

my own personal 2c & experience...(not saying this is the absolute truth - just sharing)
- Easier to start with oneself & make changes on yourself, rather than expect the other person to change. Self-reflect: have I become naggier, more short-tempered, more curt etc etc over the years. Can start with making changes at own attitude & behaviour. Above all - be sincere. Our hubs can tell if we're just acting

- Don't sweat the small stuff & appreciate the man in your hubby. Our hubbies are not us and they shouldn't be. Thank him for the stuff that he's done for you/family & try not to criticize/nag when he seems to fall short on certain stuff. No one's perfect
E.g. In the past, I used to nag a bit when hubby speeds up rapidly in car & brakes super suddenly. Now if he jams brake or suddenly swerves to avoid sickening drivers, I'll take a deep breath, think positive & stroke his thigh/arm & praise him for his fast reaction/response & actually be thankful he's the one driving & not me!

- Really set time aside for him & put him above kids, house, career, parents, in-laws etc
This was quite tough for me as I liked to think I could balance everything & all can become my 1st priority. I'm not saying that our hubbies should be our one & only priority & we just become simpering mindless women with air between our ears. However it's important to our men that we value them - after all we chose each other as mates right?

- Remind him of the girl/lady that he used to date & chase
Very hard & this took me some time... so tough when we are swamped with all the chores, kids etc etc. But important to just take some time each day to "beautify" ourselves. Importantly it's not just surface looks but our personality, mannerisms etc. Again i'm not saying we revert to being SYTs or act blur blur/ goondu/ pretend to be virgins etc (hahah.. this cracked me up). Instead it's more about how I used to be so excited when I could meet up with him, how I would praise him, talk gently to him etc.
Familiarity breeds contempt unfortunately... relearning to see our close ones in new light does take effort but it's worth it.

Dates & special occasions do count but I also believe it's about the little thoughts & actions everyday that can make an impact.
I dunno the full situation behind your marriage but it's great that you are wondering if the loving feeling can be reclaimed. That at least is the first step

All the best![/QUOTE]

[arsenal_84]

Originally Posted by hickeybites

Familiarity breeds contempt unfortunately...

yup, this is one phrase that many couples fail to heed...is never easy trying to keep a rs going.

[Reoxy]

It is a right move to come to SBF to seek advice.

There are many different reasons why married men like us like to come in here, one of which, is the one you have brought up.

I am not able to offer you any useful advice since I am not in this situation yet.

[curiouswife]

oh well... I am posting this thread as I need help and try to understand my hubby's feeling. In fact, I suddenly dunno my hubby well after he started his lifestyle recently.. We were married for 11 years but only stayed together for 3 years.

He did not like me to harp on past often whatever we quarrelled over many issues - his parents, kids' upbridging, housechord sharing, my past over 2 affairs, and recently his girl collegue who sent him nothing-sweet smses.

My hubby is a forgiving guy (did forgive my 2 affairs after i admitted my wrongdoings even though i do not do on purpose), tolerant with my character for many years, always come home after work. Yet, I failed to appreciate him. I only realised after he poured out his hurtful feelings to me and even thinking of filing a separation file (his collegues advised him to file for separation if we did not resolve our problem as they were once divorced before and now re-married happily with a baby not long).

I really regret my action many years ago as anger got the better ahead of me.. I walked out on him twice after my 2 kids were born as I really could not stay longer with his parents under the same roof. He was feeling hurt and alone, begged me to come home with kids but I refused unless we wanted to buy own home. He asked me to wait for a while more to earn enough money but I need to know how long we need to buy own home. The only solution for us is that I would go over his parents' place with kids every weekend and of cos, we had a good sex.. We really missed each other when we stayed apart too long liao.

Till we got our own home 3 years ago, he began to lose love feeling for me after i started picking a quarrel with him over small thing like those nothing-sweet sms from his girl collegue. He tried to convince me that he sees her as a collegue only. Suddenly i started harping on the past that pushed him away from me. Till the first week of April, he exploded out all his hurtful feelings and then I kept quiet and did not know what to do.. He admited that he lose his love feeling for me a few years but he tried to do something to keep us happy. But it did not work well for him. Thats why he started thinking of filing a separation file but in confusion mind.

I had to cool my head first and started sorting my thinking till very late night outside. This time, I did not bring my hp along, he began to worry about me and waited for me to come home.. I then asked him for a chance to let us repair the gap between us and need more time to put the past behind us.. He agreed, we move forward and then had a sex together.

But...a few days later, I got angry for nothing when i accidently saw same message frm his gal collegue...and also he started smoking on my birthday ( he is non-smoker after we got married). We had a big fight over smoking. (But i dun mind if he drinks beer) He said that he hates looking at my face as I kept reminding him of the past. I gently reminded him that I no longer dwell on the past and thought that we have to move forward for our future. He said that he is trying to.. I gave him more time and meanwhile, i started touching him n his little brother.. His little brother did respond but control himself well for not having sex with me.. He came up with excuses - tired, drinking made him sleepy when I need one from him. I tried very hard to change my short temper and doing ways to get back his lost love feeling for me.. wondering how long our love feeling can be rekindled..

Need opinions - will having another 3rd baby help to close our marriage gap? He was hurtful when he did not have a chance to take care of our kids when they were a baby. I suggested to him for having one more baby but he dun want, fearing that history will repeat itself again. I assumed that I will not do it again since we got our own home. a few friends of mine encouraged me to bear one more baby by accident as they feel that one more baby will help and who knows that things for us will get better... I am not so sure...

sorry for the long post... i need to steam off and feel better after this.. I need some knocking sense from you and need encouragement to change myself first...

[bloopz]

hi sis, i've just got married for one n a half years so i'm not really able to tell u from my own experience. but from observing my family members, i realized tat the main reason for quarrels is due to being taken for granted. no one likes to be taken for granted so do make sure u r not taking ur hubby for granted.

also, i realized it seems tat men looks for solace out of their home when their needs r not fulfilled or at least they try to rationalize it by giving the following reasons. this includes mental and physical needs.
mental needs: ability to engage with him in chats other then children, housework etc. read some news papers, take some courses if u r a housewife. ensure that u stay positive and happy. he can feel it too!
physical needs: some wives tend to neglect this after giving birth. do note that if he is not getting enough sex at home, he might turn to alternatives sooner or later..

bros, do let me know if the above applies to u or not? its from my observations so please dun flame me if its not accurate.. :P

[see see only]

Sincerely do not know how to advise you


But suddenly your posts reminded me of myself .... before i become "marrieded" i spend my fair bit of effort in wooing my ex-wife, put in a lot of effort to save up the money to arrange a wedding almost near to her reasonably high expectation ... given her parents 15 tables and some $$$$ for .... etc etc

Me also stay home most of the time so that she can be sure i no steal eat outside (instead she confessed she have 3), also say farewell to my drinking buddies and almost weekly soccer got to stop too .... sincerely did not know marriage life is so boringly demanding .....

However in the first place me indeed thought she will relax a bit in your demanding regulations after signing the certificate hahahahahahaahaha ...
me wrong

And instead her regulation became much stricter ......... worst of all, eventually she dumped me after my business failed with lot of debts tat time .


Sis, i read your post .... you want to win your hubby heart back ... firstly you must go find out what he is thinking deep inside and what his expected marriage life like ...

Go fulfill his ideal marriage life from now instead of basing on your own ...

[Uncertain]

You are spot on....



.... you want to win your hubby heart back ... firstly you must go find out what he is thinking deep inside and what his expected marriage life like ...

Go fulfill his ideal marriage life from now instead of basing on your own ... [/QUOTE]

[see see only]

Originally Posted by Uncertain

You are spot on....

.... you want to win your hubby heart back ... firstly you must go find out what he is thinking deep inside and what his expected marriage life like ...

Go fulfill his ideal marriage life from now instead of basing on your own ...

Sis ...

I wish you all the best and best of luck ... btw most of the time a small little thing: like light up a cigarette for him and follow with some small talk .... could means a lot

Nevertheless watch out for his little reaction though

[arsenal_84]

Originally Posted by curiouswife

He did not like me to harp on past often whatever we quarrelled over many issues - his parents, kids' upbridging, housechord sharing, my past over 2 affairs, and recently his girl collegue who sent him nothing-sweet smses.

no forgiving man would like to be constantly reminded or mind fark (sorry for being crude) by his own wife and most especially reminding him about your very own wrong doings.
any sane man would have gone crazy by your treatment...

an example would be, i had an ex that kept harping on the word "break up" during every other argument and guess what ?
we did break up eventually.
some words are like poison in a rs, do take note that constant usage of the same lines will eventually have a corroding effect on your rs, just like verbal abuse.

for ppl at his workplace to advise him about filing for separation, i presumed that those bottled up feelings must have kept in his heart for a long period of time and he may have went drinking often.
how can a man work peacefully when he knows that his private life is in a mess ?

given the fact that your rs with your hubby now is pretty unstable, having another kid with him is probably not going to solve the issues at hand.

[Reoxy]

Suddenly all become very clear.

Your husband is fed-up with you.

You had 2 affairs and there are no such things as accidental affairs. You mean you and the guy fall over and both of you accidentally had sex? No such thing.

Your husband is very tolerant of you.

Pls just suck it up. Let him do whatever he wants and keep quiet. Stay together for the sake of your kids. Appear as loving parents regardless of whether there is still love between you both.

[ATAP]

Sis, let you give you my point of view. The Man's point of view. I had a similar situation as you and my wife is a bit similar to you. If I get angry over small matters and did not give in when we quarrel, it means that have a resource and I don't need you anymore. I do not need to give in your your shit anymore. So, if you not happy, just leave. Don't use another baby as your weapon to tied your man. If he wants to leave you nothing could stop him. For my advice, do not get angry over small matters or even big matters. Give in everytime you quarrel. This might work if your husband is a responsible man. And there might still be some feelings for you. If you quarrel with him, definately he will find this as an excuse to separate with you. I am living in a live experience now. Hope it will help you. My GF is not the sticky type. She even advise me to go back to my wife. I know she is a good gal. That is why I am now living in misery that I have to leave her. God bless us all.

[innuendo]

Originally Posted by Reoxy

Suddenly all become very clear.

Your husband is fed-up with you.

You had 2 affairs and there are no such things as accidental affairs. You mean you and the guy fall over and both of you accidentally had sex? No such thing.

Your husband is very tolerant of you.

Pls just suck it up. Let him do whatever he wants and keep quiet. Stay together for the sake of your kids. Appear as loving parents regardless of whether there is still love between you both.

Well put. OP, you really don't need to look any further to realise that changes will have to start from within. And if you don't think you can do anything, it's because the straw's already broken the camel's back. That doesn't give him reason for infidelity, however, as two wrongs never make a right.

Think of the kids. And don't have another one.