Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

Hi all,

I'm currently planning an abortion and I'm pretty much decided on it. This is an extremely difficult phase for me as I really want the baby, but due to personal circumstances it's impossible for me to keep it or have it up for adoption, so I'd appreciate if you could save the pro-life speech, thank you.

The only thing I'm not sure of is whether or not I should tell my boyfriend. Until now, I've not told anyone. On one hand, I don't want to tell him because he can be very emotional and I don't want him to be needlessly worried and distracted at work.

On the other hand, I do want to let him know because he is the father of the child, and so that he can understand what I'm going through and be prepared for any emotional/physical changes or damage that I may undergo.

We started off as FBs but then started developing real feelings for each other, we can't be a real couple as marriage is out of the question, but he made a lot of sacrifices just to be with me.

So I'd really like to hear the perspective from a brother. I'd be very much interested to hear about your experience if your other half had an abortion. But in short, I'd like to know: If your gf/wife has an abortion,
1. Would you rather be kept in the know or not?
2. If yes, would you rather know it before or after the procedure?
3.Why and why not?

I'll consider all your comments, so many thanks beforehand for any input!

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

he should be informed of your pregnancy and also your decision to abort it before you do it. you are killing his baby and he has the rights to know that...

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

TS, looks like is all decided so I will give you my comments for the qns below.

If your gf/wife has an abortion,
1. Would you rather be kept in the know or not?
Ans: Yes
Reason: 23 chromosomes of the little thing still belongs to me, if making it I play a part, finishing it I also need to be involved.

2. If yes, would you rather know it before or after the procedure?
Ans: Before

3.Why and why not?
Ans: I loved my gf/wife and will try to be by her side at all times and I know if I am there with her, it does not help much but still it can be comforting for her.

After the operation, due to loss of blood, she will be feeling weak and have problems going back home. What if she happened to faint while going up/down the stairs, things will be complicated.

Most importantly, the woman need a man to be there and the man has to be there regardless whatever reasons.

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

I feel bad about your predicament. Abortion is a very difficult and emotional decision and you need all the support you can get. He is party to it and should be involved in the decision making. The least he can do is keep you company throughout the ordeal.

If I am in his shoes, I would definitely want to know because I am part of the equation. I would also want to know before, not after. Informing after the fact would indicate a lack of respect for me.

Take care and be strong.

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

Agreed with you, Totally
... Although Jenni dun wan to stress him since he is the child's dad, I think the 2 of u should go through together instead of you suffering without him knowing.
This is the time that u need him most.... let him know. As he is responsible for you and at least, he can hv more careful in future..

Hope it will be a smooth operation, take few days leaves and rest fully. :)

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

Hi ts,

Reading between the lines, i think that you also made the decision not to tell him and would want to know its consequences. I may be wrong and i am sorry for assuming. Like what other brothers here mentioned it would be better to let him know. Question is... Are you willing to change your mind incase he asks you to choose the other option?(continue the pregnancy)

Again we may tell you to do this and that but still we do not know the REAL scenario.

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

Hi TS,
From a guy perspective, and as well as a same predicament as yours a few years back, i think this issue must be treated fairly,let the guy know on the decision. Don't regret it a year or 2 down the road. that is what me and my girl is going through daily. Talk through things with your guy, see his reaction and decision. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEAR THIS BURDEN YOURSELF! (sorry for caps) Just my 2 cents. Please be rational and fair to the unborn kid also.

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

Hope to give some comments on my pov.

I presume , he is attach as you had said marriage is out of the question.

First , you guys started as FB , clearly meaning that there is no string attach ....Emotion kicks in later as maybe you guys enjoy eavh other companion. Since marriage is out of the question .... You should carry on with what you had decided secretly .

Being a single mother are not easy .... later parts of your life , your Mr right might come into your life , this child might be the biggest burden on your relationship .

1) GF/Wife going thru a abortion of cos we man wanted to be known and involved but i think your case are not even either .

2) Since you are not discussing these with him , keep it inside you , nv nv nv spills a words .

Hope everything went on smoothly for you , take more tonic before hand and pls do it at a specialist .

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

You are the one that is going to carry the baby and since he is not your husband tgere is no need to tell him.

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

If I am your bf, I would like to know prior to the abortion... and WILL accompany u to get one...(i believe there are reasons why marriage is out of the question) HOWEVER the main thing is if I were your bf, in the first place I WOULD NEVER EVER want u to hv the possibility of being preggy in the first place... knowing how damaging it is to a woman's body !!!!!!

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

Heard about a similar case recently. I suppose you don't want him to know because you want to spare him the anguish and bear the burden on your own. If you want to let him know, he will want a say in the final decision. If both of you agree to abort, the fb relationship will never be the same again. If you chose not to let him know, the period after the abortion will be very important for your recovery. During the emo recovery process, will there be a close friend there for you?

How old are you? Will an abortion result in you being unable to have a child in future? Find a close friend to confide in.

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

Well ... depending on circumstances ... probably you should "share" this information. He is part of this equation ... unless you're not intending on seeing him ever again ... no point telling him then.

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

You should not tell him.

As you have said, he has made a lot of sacrifices yet there is no future for the both of you.

The truth will only complicate matters.

I agree with your statement.

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

Hi TS,

Try to avoid , by all means....cos you will feel f bad for the longest time.
trust me:(

Let him know abt it, maybe he might have bettler options..

Regards

Re: Should I tell him? Need a man's perspective
 

You should either:

1) Tell him and be prepared to deal with the outcome of that revelation

or

2) Don't tell him -- and never, ever tell him -- take it to the grave. Telling him after the fact serves no purpose but to relieve yourself of guilt and weigh him down with emotional baggage (I mean it's clearly not for the purpose of seeking his opinion or counsel on the matter after the fact). It's like telling your wife that you had an affair but that it's over -- it serves no purpose but to relieve yourself of some guilt but weighs down your partner with unnecessary emotional baggage.

Take it from someone who has been there before. It's not a pleasant feeling, and still think about it 10 years on...

Q for the OP: Why is marriage out of the question?